ennui

This feeling. What is it?

Like life is not enough. Like I am a car stuck in first gear.

I dunno. Is there a use to it? I guess with Covid life has become pale.

I am lucky in the ways of not being on a ventilator. My main work is stable for the next 6 months with any luck.

I wanted to break out to new ground. In University I found disinterest. The times I was on hospital wards I found more companionship. I liked the old men and the self appointed community leader and the comic cleaners with their stoical drudginess.

I suppose this writing is about achieving money, wealth, fame, connections, comfort, friendship but it’s like I’m scraping an empty barrel. I’m a 4th rate Mind.

I’m traumatised that reality keeps collapsing under me. The foundations are not secure. Pema Chodron nods and smiles with her multi million dollar book deal.

Oh well the river of hell continues…

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